#31363  by abstractstar
 Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:49 am
I also like this!
but I'd like to suggest this: come up with something a little more original (that is, less cliché) in these two lines:
her eyes were as green as the trees
her lips were as red as a rose
I suggest something that perhaps hints at a more complex story - e.g.:

"her eyes were as green as dollar bills" or whatever you think fits the rhythm and melody. "green as dollar bills" is more open to interpretation (although perhaps still clichéd) - and it suggests that money was somehow involved. perhaps the friend had more money than the narrator, and that's why the girl chose the friend over the narrator? esp. when you take this line into account: "but she was lookin right at you" implied: "with dollar bill eyes" ... and "i thought i had a girl i could trust" - but really she just wanted money... that's no good girl :(

does this make sense? you fancy? ye? (english isn't my first language so perhaps i'm expressing myself somewhat fuzzy...)

 #31373  by Revv23
 Thu Nov 29, 2007 8:16 am
Hey man I dig it.

GDTRFB is one of my favs and this is a cool tweak on that experience for me. Keep going with it!